PattyCakes

PattyCakes was a fiend. She shuffled from bando to bando, street corner to street corner, always looking for one thing: her next fix. Dope dealers treated her like shit. They made her do unspeakable things and would laugh at her. Lunchbox was always fuckin’ with PattyCakes, making her do abominable things for a fix.

Even when she had the money.

“Please, Lunchbox,” said PattyCakes, “I got the money.”

“A’ite, Cakes,” said Lunchbox. “But I want you ta’ do one thing first.”

“Anything, Lunchbox. I’ll do anything for a fix!”

“That’s a good girl, Cakes. Now, what I want… I want you t’go over to Snuggles and kick him in his nuts as hard as you can.”

“But Lunchybaby, please! Snuggles is my man!”

“Then I don’t want ya bumbass money and you ain’t gettin’ no dope.”

“Ok, ok, Lunchybaby. I got this.”

PattyCakes went over to Snuggles fiend ass. He was knocked out asleep on the sidewalk. “I’m sorry,” PattyCakes whispered pathetically and then kicked a field goal.

“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Snuggles cried.

He was so doped up and in his dream world that he jumped up and ran into the street and stopped traffic. Horns blasted.

“Get outta the street!” yelled a driver.

“The fuck is your problem!” yelled another driver.

Snuggles was hunched over holding his privates. A thick yellowish stream of hot drool went from his mouth to the street. “Why you do that t’me SuggaCakes!? You my Pattybear!?”

“I’m sorry, Snugglebunny! But I gotta do what Lunchbox tell me, you fine man.”

Lunchbox and his crew was dyin’ with laughter.

“Yoooooooo,” said Lunchbox, “you see that shit? hahahahahahahahahaha!”

“Hahahahahahaha,” said another. “I can’t breathe! That shit was so funny!”

And that’s how life was for PattyCakes.

But then something happened.

Snuggles was cooking up a fix for PattyCakes in a spoon. While the drugs were in the spoon, heating up from the flame of the lighter, a fly flew into the boiling mix of dope. Snuggles didn’t see it happen. The fly died in the toxic brew and was cooked in the mixture. The DNA of the fly spread throughout the spoon and mixed with the dope. Snuggles filled the syringe with the dope and the insect DNA and then injected it into one of PattyCakes veins and Cakes said, “Yyyyyeeeeeessssssss,” and when off into the nod.

When PattyCakes woke up, she felt more alive, more alert, more energized, then she had ever remembered feeling. Her DNA was adapting to the DNA of the insect, and her skeletal, muscular, and nervous system was changing rapidly. She could strongly sense the pheromones of all animals around her. There was this sticky substance all over her skin. She jumped ten feet in the air and clung to the side of a building, and after pausing for a moment in shock, she proceeded to climb.

PattyCakes leaped onto a powerline and snatched a squirrel and ate it. Then she jumped on Lunchbox and vomited on his face.

“Get the fuck off me! What the fuck!” said Lunchbox, while PattyCakes made a hissing sound and rubbed her hands together in front of her like a fly rubbing together it’s forelegs.

No longer could a fiend sneak up on PattyCakes. She had grown a small antenna between her eyes.

“There go Blackout fiend ass,” said PattyCakes.

“What?” said Snuggles, looking around in confusion. “I don’t see’em nowhere?”

“That’s ’cause he two miles up 223rd. I’m pickin’ up his nasty ass pheromones with my antenna, his dirty ass. Shit smell good t’me tho.”

PattyCakes had to cut out holes in her clothes for the wings growing on her back. She couldn’t fly, but when she got excited about something, the small wings would flutter violently. They were growing a little more every day. Her eyes were turning compound. She saw the matrix. Dog turds tasted like a fresh BK Whopper.

But PattyCakes was still a fiend. She became a menace and the worst nightmare to all the drug dealers. Especially Lunchbox. She would steal his dope and get high with all the fiends.

“The fuck goin’ on out here,” said a dealer.

“I don’t know,” said Lunchbox. “PattyCakes done turned into a superhero! She move like The Flash, you know!?, like, she Captain Dope Fiend! I can’t hide the dope ’cause the bitch can sniff it out. No matter what I do, she know where everything is.”

“You gotta kill that ho!”

“Motha’ fucka’, you can’t shoot that fiend! She be ziggin’ an zaggin’ like she a lighting bolt! I’m tellin’ you, bro. She a move like a fly! Word on the street is that she dead turnin’ into a fly!

“Say word-to-your-mother she dead turnin’ into a fly.”

“Word-to-my-mother-and-my-dead-mans that bitch turnin’ into a fly. Got other legs, eyes gettin’ all big, got them wings on her back, be climbin’ up walls an’shit, bouncin’ around like fly! Impossible to hit!”

“And she still shootin’ up dope?”

“All day. The motha’ fuckin’ PattyCakes get high, and while the other fiends are noddin’ off into the deep sleep, Cakes is chasin’ cats up trees and cars down the street. She ran across the George Washington bridge in two minutes, I heard.”

“The fuck she do that for?”

“Said she wanted to try some’a that Jersey dope.”

“Damn.”

The drug dealers united to do something about PattyCakes. They couldn’t kill her, so they tried to bring her into the fold. But they could only get a message to her through Snuggles. Snuggles was the only one the Cakes trusted, loved, and to whom would listen, and Snuggles still loved PattyCakes, even though after they slept together he was covered in slime and vomit. He loved PattyCakes with true love.

One time Lunchbox tried to hold Snuggles hostage to get back at PattyCakes. Cakes united all the flys’—she could communicate with other insects through her pheromones—and next thing Lunchbox knew he was swarmed with flies, mosquitoes, and bees. They filled his apartment. He tried to hid by filling up his bathtub with water and going under. But he had to come up for air. When he came up for a breath—there she was.

“Where is my Snugglebunny?”

But PattyCakes had already freed Snuggles because she could smell where he was. She was just teaching Lunchbox a lesson. Having some fun.

“He at the warehouse on Brook. I’m sorry, Cakes! just make them go away!”

“Don’t fuck with me, Lunchyboy.”

After a while, nobody saw PattyCakes anymore. Word on the street was that she turned into a fly. Snuggles is the shot caller in the streets now. Nobody can understand why. Anytime somebody fucks with Snuggles, all the insects of the city come down of that fool and next thing you know he’s a dead man. Sometimes Snuggles can be seen dressed all fly and shit, talking to fly’s swarming around him, laughing. Snuggles formed a gang, made up of young people, to steal all the fly-swatters and Raid—and any other product that kills flies—in the city.

Everybody still feels the presence of PattyCakes.